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 Post subject: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 10:09 am 
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HI all.
This Saturday I took the opportunity to dress up as a witch for a family party. It all went very well and in fact one man asked my cousin "whos she" when I came in she told me he thought I was all right!! :lol: . Needless to say I think it has rasied a few questions with some family. Today I am meeting my sister, I am considering telling her about Hazel and I am going armed with a few photos. There is a strong possibility I'll say nothing at all, perhaps wait to se if she talks about the evening herself. I am very nervous that this could all hit the fan, but if a do tell her I am hoping I'll feel the relief I felt on Saturday dressed and with family. Anyway I'll be sure to post an update if anything transpires.
Hazel XXX.

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 Post subject: Re: Time to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 2:24 pm 
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Only you can know what and when it is right for you to share the existance of Hazel with those who up to now know only Xyyy. No longer trying to keep a secret has proved a great relief for me but I didn't really have a choice, unless I ran away to find a new life amongst strangers and that definitely was not an option.

Perhaps the thing to consider is what is gained by you sharing this with your sister and/or other family members, and how does that balance against what might be lost. It is often pointed out that once told, things can never be untold.


Elaine H.

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 3:24 pm 
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Hi Hazel, xx

I have been having thoughts of being more open, as part of this process I have told some who are not so close to me to guage reactions and my reactions, if that makes sense. It is different for me in a lot of cases as most family members know, but there are people on the fringe who don't know.

I hope all works out for you hazel.

Marianne, xx


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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 4:08 pm 
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Hi again.
thanks for the replies, well my sister now knows. She was more concerned that I was going to tell her about trouble in the marriage or something!! so when I explained it was actually cross dressing she was somewhat relieved.
It is a relief for me also that finally someone else within my family other than Ann my patrner is aware of this side of my life, and hopefully will be a support for Ann. My sister took time to listen to my experiences, and I explained that I couln't tell her why I do what I do, but simply not doing it I become miserable. I showed her some photos and she offered some advice. I think she may join me at the club some time in the future but not quite yet, as understandably whilst she took it well, she was a little shocked to say the least that little brother likes to be little sister sometimes. She is in admiration of Ann of course who has supported me in my lifestyle these past 25 years.
One final thing on leaving her she presented me with a couple of pairs of shoes which she thought I might like, And I do :lol: .


Hazel XXX

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 Post subject: Re: Time to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 9:25 pm 
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Hello Hazel. I know exactly how you feel as I told my sister in June last year - see my blog entry -- http://kaydenise.blogspot.com/2008/06/j ... t-two.html and since then things have been great. My sister has been out with me a few times now and thinks nothing of it, which is "wow" for me. I'm sure you will have the same happy encounters & support along the way too but currently you should be happy with yourself. :D However, a word of caution and I'm sure you will agree, just because things went well with your sister, it does not mean it could do with other members of the family or friends if you have ever thoughts to tell them too, so be careful in the future. ;)

Regardless, enjoy the moment and hopefully see you Wednesday were you may be able at last to cross my palms with silver!! :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 10:37 pm 
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HI Kaye Denise.
Thanks for the blog I'll be sure to take a look, and I do have a nice little tener sat in the corner of my purse with your name on it Ha Ha. So yes I'll be there wednesday, I look forward to catching up with you. Oh love the picture by the way, very nice.
HAzel X

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:05 am 
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Hi Hazel,
Glad you managed to tell your Sister, and that everything went OK. As you know, I'm "out" to all my family and friends, and it doesn't half make things easier! That said, whenever I tell anyone new, I still go through the nightmare of "will they accept it?" I hope you have half the fun with your Sister that I have with mine - we swap clothes, make-up and laughs!!
Well done!!
Love, Paula xxx

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 12:41 pm 
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Hi Hazel,

It's a difficult one isn't it? I guess to some extent it depends upon personal circumstances, as Elaine says, if you intend being full time I don't see that you have much choice. If not, then it's a matter of balancing what might be gained against what might be lost.

In my own case, other than San, I don't really think it's anybody's business, any more than what you might like to do in the bedroom or how much money you might have in the bank. But, we have no children, brothers, sisters or parents to consider nor other relatives who live close by. I play a bit of golf as part of a group of about a dozen who just meet up and draw for partners and I've often wondered what would happen if I told them. Would they feel better for knowing and would I? I doubt it, so why create waves?

I am a bit odd in some ways in that I am a fairly private person but, on the other hand, I don't worry too much about anybody finding out. Where we lived in Chester until a couple of years ago, the neighbours in our little close must all have known, they could hardly miss me coming and going. Certainly, I take few steps to protect my male indentity, as a quick Whois check will reveal and I often book restaurants and hotels in my male name.

So I am quite public while at the same time keeping things to myself. I have recently applied for a very part-time, voluntary post with Press For Change that requires someone who, if Trans, is “out” in that they need to be able to speak with all sorts of groups and public bodies. That does not worry me in the least.

San recently told a couple of friends about me, Jan and Andrew who some of you will meet at the Burlesque night. Andrew is gay and had already picked it up – I wonder who else I know has done so but never said anything?

However, we all need to bear in mind that, as Elaine also said, “that once told, things can never be untold”, something I have been very forcibly reminded of over the last year.

San and I have, or I should say had, two gay friends in our village here in France, the only two people I have ever told, who decided to out me in the most horrible way. What's worse is that it was intended as a way of getting at San who, quite understandably, has never wanted me to be too public in France, at least not in the village. Their intention seems to have been to have us ostracised us by all the Brits, so much so that they have taken, earlier this year, to inviting people round and showing them pictures of me.

What has happened is the exact opposite of what they expected and they are ignored, sometimes quite pointedly, by everyone else. As you might expect this has lead to a few heated exchanges, the last of which has brought them to the point of almost being banned from the local bar. Had this happened at home I would not hesitate to take a complaint to the Police!

We now seem to be flavour of the month around the village and the centre of whatever is going on. That's nice, but we always have the feeling that there are questions people would like to ask but are afraid to do so. I wish they would.

But it's a warning that while it's nice to have support and acceptance from people it can go horribly wrong!

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:28 pm 
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Hi Hazel,
There is never an easy time to tell, it all depends on circumstances.
I live close to the village and I have a wide range of friends who visit the village so I have had that little fear of being spotted.
So I took the plunge and told all my friends - you know what they are not bothered the least.
In fact some of them now give me clothes.
The local pub also know about me - they are great about it as well.
My girlfriend knows - and she is fine about it.
I have told my family and they have took me to their hearts with this - they know its just my feminine side coming out.

But whatever you do - do not blurt it out - plan what you want to say.

I know its a lot harder for anyone who is married.

Think of a few words from a song - Just find that hero inside yourself.

Hugs
Estelle xxx


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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 8:25 pm 
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Its very interesting reading everyones views, and I agree that to tell someone they cannot be untold, But I am glad I took the plunge, as I feel the relief that there is now someone Ann can turn to close to her in confidence. Astrid your experience in France was horrid, but I am pleased that the nature of people shone through and in fact those who had acted maliciously were rebuked for it.
I really do hope that my sister can get along one night maybe early next year, I would love for her to meet all of my friends who have been a major support to me and Ann since my return to the village nearly 3 years ago.

See you all Wednesday.


Hazel XXX.

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 6:25 pm 
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HazelEyes wrote:
Astrid your experience in France was horrid, but I am pleased that the nature of people shone through and in fact those who had acted maliciously were rebuked for it.


That is one good thing Hazel. I keep thinking I should write it up for Angels or here but it's a long story that might surprise (and shock) a few people. What disappoints me most is the fact that as gay people, one would expect them to have a bit more understanding of other minority groups. Even more so as I'm convinced one of them is TS in denial and has a big problem - ask Leanne, she has met them.

They are back wintering in Spain but I've no doubt it will rumble on next summer too........ As I say, it's a warning that things can go wrong.

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Thu Nov 05, 2009 11:02 pm 
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Last night was kind of special for me in Concord, as KD knows, and relates to your situation in a way Hazel
(relates being the operative word).
I kind of get the impression that the answer your original question may be hinted at by virtue of the fact that it was posted in a public section of the forum !


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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 8:46 pm 
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One thing I had not prepared myself for in being open about who I am is having my best friend told by his family not to have anything to do with me because it will "ruin his career, lose him friends, never get a girlfriend" etc. My friend is totally unprejudiced in relation to who I am but is being made to feel bad about that and adopt prejudices he does not have. This dented my confidence hugely and I started thinking "if only" but I am who I am and there's only one way I know I can live that makes me happy (most of the time) and that's being honest and open about who I am.

Claire xx


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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:03 pm 
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HI all.
just as a little update to this thread, My friend Giselle kindly forwarded me a useful document published by the Department Of Health, I think it would be something we could all use when explaining our lifstyle and the variety within it, heres the link http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsand ... /DH_081579
My own situation at the moment is that my sister would prefer to think of me as her brother and is not ready to come out with me at all. She has suggested that we have a family night out involving my close family and that I come out to everyone there. I have explained I have no problem with who knows but I have to think of my wife and I dont feel this would be a good way to go for her or perhaps for me.
Sadly I dont think my sister will take the plunge and join me one evening or weekend, if my home life were such that I could invite her round then I would but again this is not practical. I suspect she will continue to offer her support via email alone, which if I am honest I am disappointed but I have to understand her, and I will always count my blessings in that I have the support of my wife who is my greatest friend in all of this.
Hazel XX.

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:43 pm 
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Thanks for that Hazel.

I think it's a very good and, being a Department of Health publication, carries some weight. It certainly gives the lie to those who say that what many of us do is just a lifestyle choice.

The language used is up to date (Gender Identity is becoming a much more used phrase it seems to me) and I was also pleased to see that it recognises GD as being a spectrum rather than a black/white TV/TS condition.

Just the sort of good publication you might expect to be produced by GIRES. It might be useful to have a link to it from the MC website,

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 3:07 pm 
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There are several very good publications initiated by GIRES and published by the NHS. A friend of mine, who visited Concord over the Christmas holiday period and who runs the Edinburgh TransWomen's Support organisation has put together a collection of very useful downloads at http://www.edinburghtranswomen.org.uk/downloads.html. They includes copies of many publications not just the one already mentioned by Hazel.

The link above will provide the material but I guess if adding similar links to our Concord pages, we should link back to the original sources.


Melanie.

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 Post subject: Re: Tme to tell?
PostPosted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:25 am 
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Thank you Hazel, xx

Reading this leaflet helped me understand my self a little more.

I hope things turn out how you hoped with your sister, like all things in life it can take time.

Marianne, xx


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